Some Things I'm Afraid To Tell You...

I don't know what I would do if you didn't want me. A lot of my emotions are planned. I think about my feelings before I reveal them to random people. I wish you would talk to me more. I don't have a natural urge to help people if it is terribly inconvenient for me. I wish you would just move on to me already. I don't have you figured out as much as I would like. I have to push myself to be around a lot of people. I have a plan and you're in it. I fell for someone before who I shouldn't have fallen for. I don't want to look weak in front of you. I struggle with certain things and I would hate if you found out what those things are. You make me feel nervous. I want you to open up to me and confide in me. I'm not outgoing at all and when I seem like I'm outgoing, I am actually faking it. I think we are really good together. Sometimes I feel like you think I'm annoying and I don't know what I should do about it. I wish I knew what you truly think of me. I feel safe around you. I don't want you to look at me as a nuisance. I want to tell you secrets, but I don't know how you'll react. I sincerely want you to like me as more than a friend and I want you to admire me for who I really am. I have a fear that you wish that I was different. I feel like I always have to be in control which causes me to want to control others. I feel like our relationship is one sided. Your smile makes me want to smile. I don't want to be hurt by you. I want you to feel like you can be completely yourself around me. Most times, I put myself before others. I think about you all the time. I wish you wanted to be around me more and make the plans for us once in a while. I worry that I am being ridiculously unrealistic and naive. I want everything to work out between us. I feel more than I let on and I wonder if you truly do the same too. I really like you. A lot.

Featured On College Fashionista!

Last month, an Art major from my school came up to my friend and I at the dining hall and asked if she could take pictures of our outfits for her internship at collegefashionista.com. Of course we said yes! We were both so excited about this fun little opportunity, so I wanted to share it on here! You can check out her piece here. You can also see the fashion post I did that same day on my outfit here.

Eulogy For You And Me

I had to move on from the idea that you and I would ever live happily ever after. I moved on to other things, though I'm still not sure if they are bigger and better. I think of you when the painful cold hits me as I step outside. And when I am crying about something that will later be insignificant, my tears flow to the memory of you and I. I watch the hands of the clock going round and I think of the time I didn't waste with you. I've started to worry about if Boy #1 will ever truly get over her and if Boy #2 will ever love me without his head being flooded with booze. Everything leads back to you. But I have rejected the idea of you and I ever being reunited. I make my reflection pretty in the mirror but some days, when I think of you, I want to smear the artificial colors that carefully coat my face. I hate that I do this awful little dance with every boy I come across, just as we did when we first introduced ourselves to each other. Sometimes I get so tired during the day that my eyes won't stay opened and I close my eyes and see what we used to be. You taught me how to feel and how to love. I will never forget that, though I try. We both need to keep moving because as we said, life goes on. And I realize that together, we are dead. This is the eulogy for you and me. 

My 10 Year Plan: 18 Months In

So things are kind of going as planned. A big problem of mine is that I do not catch on to hints well enough, which is a weakness in terms of the Plan. Another weakness is that other variables try to get in the way and I put off being proactive for the Plan so I can work on the other variables, though they may be insignificant in the grand scheme of things. Sometimes I wonder if my goals have plans of their own, like they are watching me to make their own moves. There is one aspect that is not really going as planned but I think it could possibly benefit me in the end. At least, that is what I am hoping. Unfortunately, I have to work even harder now and I have to be even more focused because of this change. Needless to say, I need to work fast and I need to make this adjustment as soon as possible.
The pressure is sometimes too much for me. And I have to go back and reevaluate when I get too caught up in it. I know that not everything will go exactly as planned, and I have accepted this as the Plan was being created, but I am not really used to letting these types of things happen organically. I have all the tools to fulfill the goals of the Plan but I need to work on spending more time on learning how to use these particular tools. I worry about things that I shouldn't worry about until much later, but it can be hard to help sometimes. For example, at certain points, my actions towards the plan do not receive any responses. I realize that I might need to wait for a response to come later instead of feeling wary about the possibility of my hard work not paying off. However, overall I am happy to say that the Plan is moving along well enough.

I Miss You

I miss your warm eyes staring into mine
And you challenging me in every way
I miss holding your hand
And you giving me a reassuring squeeze
I miss that fuzzy feeling I get when you talk to me
And how your arms envelop all of me when we hug
I miss our easy back and forth
And our understanding of each other
I miss how you have a tough exterior
And your vulnerable words breaking through your walls
I miss being able to help you through your worries
And reassuring you that you are good enough
I miss your goofy moments
And how you try to hide your smile but can't
I miss the connection we have
And the knowledge that we need each other
I miss the little promises we've made
And how sure I am to trust you
I miss giggling with you about silly things
And feeling giddy and excited around you
I miss feeling like you are just meant for me
And feeling like I am meant for you
I miss how safe I feel with you
And knowing that you wouldn't let anything bad happen
I miss you and how it was before
And I want you to miss me