Ushiroda

When I was in ninth grade I transferred schools in between semesters. I did not want to leave my original school. I liked it there and I fit in really well. So when I made it to my new school, I was not the happiest girl in the world, to say the least. In this new environment, I retreated back into my shell and had no intentions of coming out any time soon. As that horrid second semester came to an end, my great uncle told me, behind my parents' backs, that his Siamese cat was having kittens. He said I could have one if I convinced my parents to agree. And surprisingly enough they did. On a bright Sunday morning in April, I woke to the voices of my mom and great uncle talking. I sluggishly walked down the stairs to the living room with my big blanket in tow, not knowing that that day, April 25th, was the day when my kitten was born. I was so excited. We spent the next few weeks getting ready for the new arrival and we spent weeks trying to decide on the perfect name. We saw pictures of her and I knew she would be amazing in every way. During that miserable second semester I had a Spanish teacher named Señora Ushiroda who happened to be married to a Japanese man. She really watched over me during that time. Since my new kitten was a Siamese I thought it fit to name her an Asian name since the breed is Thai. So Ushiroda it was, Ushi for short. It grows on you after a while, I swear.
The day finally arrived when I got that tiny kitten and I fell in love with her so quickly. She was so small and she needed me to be there for her. Because she was so tiny she had to sleep in the bathroom where she wouldn't get lost. I stayed on the bathroom floor with her so she wouldn't cry. Bathroom floors do not make good beds. But she was worth it. My world changed because of that little cat. She has been a great stress reliever. Because of her, my new school wasn't so bad. I could always count on her to take my mind off things when I got home after school. She needed me and I needed her. I would never change anything about her. I wouldn't change the way she yells at the birds outside or the way she has to sniff everything her nose can find or the way she sneezes when a feather tickles her nose or the way she covers her face when she's asleep or the way she likes going under blankets because it makes her feel safe. I wouldn't change anything about her because I love her so much. Ushi means a lot to me so I decided to choose Ushiroda as the name of my blog. This year I graduated from high school and will be going off to college in the fall. Ushi helped me through my high school career and I know I will miss her a lot while I am away, but I think this blog will let me be with her in a special little way.

Pretty Smiles

I really don't like you very much. I thought I would but I just don't. It's kind of hard to talk to you. It's not that you're dull, but we just don't have any chemistry. I want to like you though, if that counts for anything. You're cute. I love your smile. Your smile makes my heart flutter a little. It feels like I have won a prize every time I make you smile. But a pretty smile only goes so far I guess. You inadvertently made me realize that there's someone that is much better for me. I would say that we could be friends but I don't know how much I would like you even then. I want more than pointless small talk and I don't think you can offer me much more than that. If you could just smile at me when we pass each other, that would be just fine by me. Its really not your fault that I don't like you. But, like I said, pretty smiles only go so far and boy do you have a pretty smile. Our priorities are just so different and I can't find any way to relate to you. When you say something, I don't know how to respond, and when I say something, you have nothing to say back. I notice when your face lights up when I smile. Maybe we can just smile pretty at each other but not talk, if you are okay with that. I think we could try taking a break from each other so we can come up with things to talk about. It could work maybe. Probably not. We'll probably just gradually get to a point where it will become awkward when we pass each other while going to class. I'm really not looking forward to that. But hey, at least you can win over someone else with that pretty smile of yours. And they'll be so very lucky to have your pretty smile.

Without A Question

If I start walking will you be behind me?
As you dance, and I walk, will you think of me?
Even though you will not follow, wont you wait for me?
If I keep walking, will you care if I reach the end of the world?
Will you forget about me as you dance your dance of oblivion?
You act as if you are innocent but you are not, are you?
While you wait for me, you will find another, wont you?
Will you feel remorse as you both dance while I am alone?
Will you feel my heart aching more than the soles of my feet ever could?
If I come back will you embrace me and welcome me home?
Will it be like it used to be, or will you no longer remember me?
Will you dance to a far away land as I fend for myself?
Will you know when I finally realize that I am no longer wanted?
Will you care that I will feel like I was stupid for being so hopeful?
If I try to find you, will you laugh gleefully as you dance farther away?
How will you feel if I am saved by one who is not you?
Will you come back when you finally remember me again?
Will you know that I will never again walk to you?
What will you do when I have already started forgetting you?
Will you remember our beginning as you try to forget our end?
Do you know you will feel like you are no more?
What will you say when you mournfully call for me?
Will you feel doubtful of my coming?
Do you know what I will do when I hear you calling?
I will run back to you, without a question.

While You Were Asleep

I am still awake. 2 am. I lay on the couch. I am too tired to sleep. I may even start to hallucinate (again). Images run back and forth past my face as I lay like a vegetable. The only movement is the occasional but slow blink of my eyes. I am not miserable because I am so beyond any emotion. I am too far gone. Will I ever feel better again? Will I always feel like this? 3 am. I feel sick. I should probably drink some water. I think I am drooling a little. I am too cold. I am too hot. I should take my contacts out. 4 am. How long will this last? 5 am. I do not want to be here. 6 am. The sun comes up. I guess I will not be sleeping at all tonight. The sunrise would be really beautiful if it did not make me feel so nauseous. I cannot do this. My vision is blurry. I do not think I am supposed to see those colors. 7 am. I want to eat. I do not have an appetite. There is a huge bug on the floor. I do not care. I need a shower. I wonder if this is what it feels like to be homeless. I could do something productive but why bother? Even if I wanted to I would not be able to. I really should not be operating a vehicle any time soon. I might even start getting paranoid about murderers lurking outside my window. Not that I would do anything about it because I am too tired. I would let myself get murdered if I did not have to do anything. I would want to go home but I am already home. It does not feel like home. I wish I was normal. I wish I was not so miserable. Am I happy with my life? I do not remember. I may be dreaming, though I am awake. I do not want to be awake. My heart is beating so fast and so slow at the same time. How long have I been in this position? I think I am going crazy. While you were asleep, I was slowly dying from sleep deprivation. In case you were wondering.

I Am An Explorer

I am an explorer walking through a Vietnam jungle, stepping over the roots and limboing under exotic tree branches and climbing up lusciously green hills and wading through swamps with lurking monsters. I am a plane soaring through bright blue skies and bursting through puffy white clouds as a cool breeze is nudging me to beautiful worlds and I have this feeling of absolute freedom. I am a mermaid swimming with beautiful sea creatures and brushing my long wet hair on a big rock while giggling with my mermaid sisters about luring in the handsome sailors that sail by from unknown lands. I am a child making a sweet and innocent wish as I blow out the candles on my birthday cake and I truly believe this wish will come true because I am wishing and hoping with my whole being. I am a common house cat prowling outside waiting in the bushes, low to the ground and my pupils dilated as I eye an unsuspecting mouse that I will soon call my snack. I am the president right before going out to make an important speech and, though I have been in office for some time now, my nervousness has not diminished and I wonder if it ever will. I am a monkey at the zoo swinging on ropes and yelling with happiness for I love putting on a show for the  visitors because the attention is for me, the star of the show. I am a famous artist working on my next masterpiece and I do not know where I am going with it but I have such passion for my artwork that I am happy and content and excited about what it will become.
I am me. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a granddaughter. I am a best friend. I am an introvert. I am a bookworm. I am a driven student. I am a cat lover. I am a writer. I am an artist. I am a watch fanatic. I am a prep. I am an American. I am a Dutch-born Ohioan. I am a hard worker. I am a Roman Catholic. I am an INTJ. I am an English major. I am an all-girls school graduate. I am a hardheaded person. I am a PC user. I am a fashion blog follower. I am a Pinterester. I am a visual person. I am an organizer. I am a fan of Indie music. I am a theorist. I am a realist. I am a blogger. I am an ice princess. I am an individual. I am a chocoholic. I am a planner. I am a classy lady. I am a homebody. I am a terrible dancer. I am a coffee drinker. I am a wannabe Seattleite. I am a soon-to-be New Yorker. I am a lover of all that is Ralph Lauren. I am an intuitive person. I am an introspective thinker. I am a former softball player. I am a responsible young adult. I am a serious person. I am a lover of the color blue. I am a Nutella addict. I am a control freak. I am an Art minor. I am a fan of Prince Harry. I am a nail biter. I am a college freshman. I am a neologist. I am a good listener. I am a big deal. I am Maggie.