What I Did In 2013

In no particular order, here are some of the things I did in 2013:
Graduated from high school. Got into college. Turned eighteen. Made new friends. Fell in love. Created a public blog. Started college. Wrote what made me happy every day. Lived away from home. Bought a ukulele. Learned how to play "Happy Birthday" on the ukulele. Tried to twerk. Ended Year 1 of my 10 Year Plan. Began Year 2 of my 10 Year Plan. Stopped wearing a uniform to school. Completed the first semester of freshman year at my university. Made fashion posts. Ate a ton of fro-yo. Shared a room for the first time. Read a lot of books. Started to use liquid eyeliner. Went to the art museum. Did things that scared me. Went to a new hair salon. Lost a pair of Sperry's. Met people from different states. Met people from different countries. Went shopping. Meditated. Helped my friend get ready for her prom. Played with my two cats. Had days where I was completely unproductive. Had days where there was too much to do in not enough time. Went swimming. Gnomed my grandparents. Designed my blog. Redesigned my blog. Redesigned my blog again. Did some art. Had my heart broken by a boy. Began wearing Ralph Lauren. Consumed an outrageous amount of caffeine. Received a Forever Lazy for my birthday. Went overboard with having way too much fun with my Forever Lazy. Discovered my favorite band, Walk the Moon. Passed my last high school math class. Went to Amish country. Wrote poems. Cried about things that are insignificant now. Laughed about things that are still not funny. Put a dent in my parents' car. Played racquetball. Reached 500 followers on Pinterest. Spilled a cup of cappuccino all over my white comforter. Watched television. Became obsessed with watches. Made additions to my rock collection. Met someone who also has a rock collection. Got a new hair straightener. Played pranks. Watched videos on Youtube. Went to mass. Crossed things off my bucket list. Admittedly, allowed my right leg to participate in no shave November. Had days where I slept too much. Had days where I didn't sleep at all. Went thrifting. Couldn't remember all of the state capitals. Memorized most of my favorite poem. Visited my brother in Columbus. Visited my other brother in New York. Went on retreats. Got an x-ray of my ankles. Kept up with the Kardashians. Wrote a love letter. Procrastinated. Burned myself. Attended grad parties. Was let down by other people. Painted my nails. Went to college parties. Took baths. Doodled during class. Twisted my hair into a thousand different kinds of topknots. Passed all of my advanced placement courses. Cried from stress. Spent time with my family. Spent time alone. Lived.

Flashbacks

times like these
make me think back
to times before
that were bad
memories rush
around in my head
terrible feelings
of the struggles
that were harsh
i had to endure
unfriendly reminders
of not being good
enough for life
my best is not
enough for this
being broken
down for being
who i am and
what i can do
my ability is weak
and pathetic
they always said
constantly told
of constant failures
all comes back
again and again
as i experience
flashbacks

Thrifting Tips

I love love love thrifting and I decided to put together a few tips that I have learned through my thrifting experiences:
1. Because everything is so inexpensive at a thrift store, you'll have an urge to buy everything, so it's easy to leave with more items than you intended to buy. Try to keep your purchases to a minimum level or else you'll just have bags and bags of regretful buys.
2. Don't buy anything that has stains, loose threading, tears, or missing buttons. It's not worth it to buy something that is low quality that you have to fix.
3. This is a bit of an obvious one, but I'm adding it in anyway: don't buy underwear at a thrift store.
4. Additionally, be cautious of buying shoes at a thrift store.
5. It can take time to find designer treasures but, when you do, it so so worth it.
6. Look in all different sections of the shop. I've found really cool items in the men's section.
7. Also, look beyond the sizes. There are many different brands at a thrift store with many different types of sizes. A small in one brand could be a large in another.
8. Wash everything that you've purchased before you wear it.
9. If you show your school ID in some stores, you can get a student discount.
10. Listening to "Thrift Shop" by Macklemore will totally get you into a thrifting mood.
11. Be open-minded when you step into the store. I fell in love with a sweater that made me wince at first glance.
12. If you don't love it, don't buy it. This will prevent impulse buys if you have an item you're questioning.
13. Thrift stores are constantly taking in donations, so go often to see all the new items.
14. Try on the clothes before you buy them; wear fitted clothes so you can try things over them if you're worried about cleanliness.
15. If you really love something, get it because it may not be at the store for long.
16. Go thrifting with friends who will tell you if you shouldn't buy something.
17. Find out when the store is having a sale and take advantage of it.
18. It's okay to go to multiple thrift shops in one day if you can't find anything at a certain store. Every store is different and every store has different steals!
19. Bring supplies for thrifting, such as hand sanitizer or  a stain remover pen for testing out a stain on a piece that has potential.
20. Have fun. Thrifting should be a fun little outing, even if you don't end up buying anything.

First Semester of College

I just took my last final exam yesterday, so I decided I would write a little update about my first semester of college. Overall, I would give my experience a 9 out of 10. My classes were not overwhelming for the most part, and my work load was always manageable. Because I go to a small university, I was lucky enough to have many great professors who were very understanding and cared about their students. I have had the opportunity to meet so many wonderful people at college and I wouldn't trade the relationships I have built for anything. The amount I have grown here is very surprising and I realize that my experiences while at college have changed me for the better. And, of course, I have learned a lot during my time at college, so I put together a list of things I have learned this semester. This semester has truly made me so grateful for having the ability to attend my dream university.

10 things I learned from my 1st semester of college:
1. A week of college is equivalent to a month back home
2. Some people are really stupid, but there are insanely smart people out there too
3. A care package can make a whole week
4. It's more fun to shower at the same time as your friends
5. There will be more washing machines and dryers available if you do laundry at night
6. College boys: you can't live with them and you can't live without them
7. Put on leggings if you feel lazy, because there is no excuse for wearing sweatpants in public
8. Naps are always good to take between classes...or any other time, for that matter
9. You get to know people quickly because you can spend hours with the same people every day
10.  College is a fresh start; you have the power to do what you want with it

I'll Be A Story

I'll be a story for you to tell
Just like all the other girls who fell
Another chapter in your book
Waiting for the next one to take a look
I'll be another tale you read aloud
About a girl you could live without
The story's tone will be full of regret
But it will be one they won't forget
Remember to tell of how we began
And tell how we had different plans
You'll make it sad and dramatic
Making our end especially emphatic
An addition to your novel I'll be
I'll be the fairy tale turned tragedy

You'll be a memory and a feeling
That took a long time for my healing
The one that I did indeed learn from
And even shaped who I've become
You will not be some story I tell
To the next man I might love well
In my eye you'll be a misty tear
You'll be the reason for my next fear
You'll be the slightest hint in my laughter
And you'll be in a little sigh thereafter
But you did make me stronger too
Though I'll be another story for you
I'll be just another chronicle of yours
But to me you'll be so much more

10 Things I Am Thankful For

In light of Thanksgiving being today, I have complied a list of ten things I am thankful for:

1. A family that does so much for me

2. The opportunity to attend my dream university

3. Friends who put up with me

4. Being in good health

5. My two kitties!

6. A high self-esteem

7. Being successful in my school career

8. Having a balance in life

9. A wonderful support system at home and at school

10. Being happy

Passion

We had passion

Because you had passion

I've never met someone so passionate

Or someone who made me so passionate
I don't know where all of the passion came from

Our frustration with each other was passionate

Our happiness was passionate

Every blink and every breath had passion

Every word and every look had passion
Our smiles were passionate
As were our passionate tears
We couldn't stop the passion if we wanted to
Our passion was so unbreakable
Our passion is still unbreakable
Though we try to ignore the passion
The passion still sways between us
I never experienced this much passion before
The passion has stuck with me

Our beginning was full of passion

And so was the passionate middle

But our end was the most passionate of all

Geometric Look For Fall

Sweater: Forever 21

Shirt: Thrifted

Jeans: Old Navy

Necklace: Rue 21

Shoes: Sperry's

I am loving the geometric trend this fall and I was so excited when I recently purchased this super cozy sweater from Forever 21! I wore a chambray shirt underneath to give it a southwestern feel and I wore a triangle necklace to repeat the geometric shapes on my sweater. I went with plain dark wash skinny jeans and my Sperry's to keep the rest of the outfit simple. I am trying to wear my boat shoes as much as I can before the snow comes!  

All The World's A Stage

People are actors

No one is truly real

They act and pretend and perform

They put on these plays at all times

To get ahead, to deceive

So impress me and dance for me

Keep the act going so I might be amused

So I might be fooled by your ridiculous insincerity

You do not dupe me with you artificiality 

I do not need to watch your attempt at entertainment

I scoff at your attempt at trickery

And I do not need the real you

Because the real you does not exist

You do not know how to be anything but an actor

So enjoy the world as your stage

And take a bow at the end of your act 

But be prepared when there is no applause

Is It Wrong That I Love Seeing You Unhappy?

Is it wrong that I love seeing you unhappy?
I can't help but smile every time you look so angry.
The fire in your eyes make me feel somehow satisfied.
I know I could make you feel better, but I do not try.
Go ahead and storm out of the room; in fact, please do.
The grin on my face may seem evil and in bad taste.
From the outside it may seem like it's coming from a bad place.
That's because it is, and I do think, "I love these feelings of his."
But what I love most, is you do this to yourself.
And yes, I mean to boast, but I do not blame myself.
You deserve these negative feelings you have.
Because, sorry!, you are not even half the man.
If you change your ways I may feel a little bad.
But until then, if you hit the cold, hard floor, I will be glad.
I watch as your sadness makes your knees buckle.
You should be honored that you can still make me chuckle.
The decision you made was so very wrong.
And I'm glad that you no longer feel so strong.
You're weak at your knees and you're weak without me.
But it's your fault that you even thought to doubt me.
I hear your pleas through your angry cries.
But, to me, your troubles are just another prize.
So is it wrong that I love seeing you unhappy?
Is it so terrible that it makes my day when you are crabby?
I don't think it's wrong that this is what I gain.
It's just that you deserve every ounce of your pain.

Sonnet

One day he wants me but then he does not
He says he loves me but will not be near
He does not spend time with me quite a lot
The world is his and won't lend me an ear

He puts these walls up so I can't get in
He's mad when I don't tell him what I think
He plays mind games and will not let me win
He lies to me and wants my heart to shrink

I know this boy is not good for my health
He can make me feel like I might be mad
He likes to try to sting me with his stealth
I yell at him a lot which makes me sad

I will not leave him but I know I should
For when he's kind to me I feel so good

Floating

I don't know what I am doing right now
I want to have feelings but my heart won't let me
I might be recovering still
in the ending stages of heartbreak
I know what I want
but I don't want it now
My mind has no emotions
not that it should
but my heart won't speak
Nothing matters
There's nothing for me right now
but I still want to do something
Until this waiting ends
I'm existing here and nothing else
I'm just kind of...floating

Days Like These

Make my heart race faster and faster
Days like these
make me feel like I should have someone here with me
Days like these
make me wish all my conflicts were over
Days like these
make me wish things were different
like I was a different person
like my name wasn't my name
like I was born in a different time
like all this stress never even existed
like things could be simpler
like things didn't happen
like I could just sit in a white box all day
like my thoughts would stop
and my mind would be clear
Days like these
I don't like very much.

I Finally Understand You

To whom it may concern:
You are authentic.
You are kind.
You are compassionate.
You are trustworthy.
Genuine.
Open-minded.
Individualistic.
Accepting.
Self-aware.
Passionate.
Caring.
And loyal.
Intoxicating.
Intuitive.
And a little stubborn sometimes because I'm too realistic.
You try to understand the world and others.
You put others before yourself.
You will go far and you will make such a difference in the world.
You make people happy.
You made me happy.
I loved us.
I enjoyed getting to know you.
It doesn't matter that things became hazy.
Very few people challenge me and no one challenged me like you.
I respected you for disagreeing with me since it rarely happens.
I was sure about us, and I thought it through so you wouldn't have to.
I threw away my fears.
You let your fears get in the way.
Your fears hold you back, you know.
You made us bad to ensure this self-fulfilled prophecy of distrust.
To pretend that we wouldn't work.
That's okay even though it's not okay.
Self-awareness should help you make the changes to better yourself.
But you know this, so go ahead and do it.
You looked for the negative to protect yourself.
You can blame me so you don't have to blame yourself if you want.
Avoidance is what you're good at but is it good for you?
Maybe you shouldn't hesitate because sometimes your love won't wait for anyone.
Sometimes I wish that time would have stood still for you.
Time always seems to run out.
Things that are worth it, are worth working for.
But do not try if they are not.
I could have helped you and I am still willing.
Who you are, who you really are, does not phase me or us or anyone.
I finally figured you out, the person you are.
Nothing scares me about you, your words and actions are no exception.
You peeled away a few layers of mine, more than anyone else has.
You were starting to understand me.
I am accepting of you, not judging.
I understand and would never sprinkle the glass of rejection.
I will accept you and anyone in the future will also if your pages are completely opened.
You go where life takes you but you were too afraid this time.
I did not mean to criticize you and I know you feel the same.
Missteps happen and learning from them is beautiful, really.
I'm good at cutting people off, but this does not mean I never cared.
You have opportunities to grow from, and they help your understanding of yourself and the world.
Life goes on.
As it should.
Because life happened.
But, because of you, I have become a better person.
I just thought I would let you know.

The End

I knew it was coming
It was time
I wanted an end
I didn't want an end
But I was waiting for it
It came so slowly
It came so quickly
I was ready
But can you ever be ready
It ended before it began
It was lost before it was real
It dragged on
The End.

I fell in love
But it did not last
Now my heart breaks
And I sigh
For I lost something
I never knew I had
The End.

I have changed
but I am still the same
The world is the same
but I am not
It used to be easy
when I was so naive
Will this happen again
This pain
and woe
My heart is so small
but also so large
It is missing chunks
and needles make do
while pricking my soul
The End.

He had all these faults
but I didn't care
He made all these mistakes
but he was still perfect
It was endearing when he
did wrong unto me
I relished in the red anger
he brought to my cheeks
He made me sad
but he didn't mean it
Because I'm sure Prince Charming
has made Cinderella cry
The End.

Here we are
at the end
I didn't know
it would be here so soon
Welcome
The End.

20 Things I Realized From Going Home

This past weekend, I was able to go home for a few days after being away at school since August, and it made me realize a few things:
1.) I have a great support system at home.
2.) Things change quickly.
3.) Some things never change.
4.) I have amazing friends at school.
5.) I have the best parents and brothers a girl could ask for.
6.) It's important to enjoy the little things.
7.) I stress out about the silliest things sometimes.
8.) I always overpack.
9.) There's nothing wrong with looking weak once in a while.
10.) I'm not the same person I was in high school.
11.) I have a lot to offer the world.
12.) It's important to work hard now so I can be successful in the future.
13.) I'm a lot like my family and I'm proud of that.
14.) I have a very high self esteem.
15.) I am most definitely a cat person.
16.) My school is my second home.
17.) I'm proud of where I come from.
18.) Mama knows best.
19.) I'm at a very good place in my life.
20.) There's no place like home.

My Rendition Of 10 Things I Hate About You

I hate the way you disagreed with me
and the way you stared into my eyes.
I hate when you opened me up.
I hate it when you told me lies.
I hate how you giggled with me
when you gently moved hair from my face.
I hate when you were winning the game
like our relationship was a race.
I hate the way you wouldn't focus
when I had to say something vital.
I hate it when you didn't text me back
but when I did you felt entitled.
I hate the way you broke my heart
and acted like you didn't care.
I hate how you didn't want to be with me
even though you said we're the perfect pair.
I hate that you still won't look at me
even though you're always near.
I hate how you made me so happy
but was the cause of all my tears.
I hate how you made me hate you
and how I know I really shouldn't.
I hate how you did want to do it
it's just that you actually couldn't.
I hate how you're making me move on
even though you felt something too.
I hate how you'll always be in my heart
and eventually I'll have to stop hating you.

I Am Not Even Aware

of myself and my feelings.
of my soul and my dealings.
of my heart and my pleadings.
of my tears and my bleedings.
of my hurt and my loathings.
of my fears and my closings.
of my mind and my mournings.
of my being and my yearnings.
of my confusion and my weepings.
of my sureness and my keepings.
of my chances and my doings.
of my life and my losings.
of my mistakes and my endings.
of my memory and my mendings.
I am aware of
of my recovery and my beginnings.

My Heart Hurts

There is an eternal aching in my chest

that I wish would just disappear.

I waited too long to tell him how I feel

and now my hurt soul I cannot bear.

I am sure I missed his hints earlier on

and now my hints do not matter as he is gone.
The tears are building up behind my eyes
though my dry lids will never ask any whys.
If only I knew what to do
in a situation I have no clue.
I can try to mend and tell him what my feelings are
though his feelings may not be the same.
But my feelings are not used to being so far
and become lost in space they may.
I jokingly said that I was secretly in love with him
but a joke it definitely was not.
A journey is to be continued
for a conclusion has not been brought.

And now I finally told him how I felt
and he too had feelings for I.
But he did not exactly reciprocate
what I truly felt inside.
He told me we would not be
anything but a crush.
If things were different we would be
happily ever after he knows as much.
I dreamed we would be
and we would love.
I imagined how we'd laugh
and giggle and smile all of.
I did not think it would end this way
when we knew we should be together.
It's hard to keep these feelings at bay
because it will be hard to find another.
I think I was a few days too late
but I couldn't have done it sooner.
My heart he did break
but I know I will recover.

My First Month Of College

I have been at my university for about a month now and I would like to reflect on my time here. The biggest thing I have realized about college is that everything moves incredibly fast. The classes move fast, friendships move faster, and relationships move fastest, but somehow I manage to keep up. I have the best roommate in the world. We get along really well and we are always on the same page. I go to her for advice because she will always give me an honest response, which has much value. I made a great friend who reminds me to not take things too seriously. We have a lot of the same interests and I'm so comfortable around her already, so it's okay to act like my weird self because she's weird too. Needless to say, I found a best friend in her already, surprisingly enough. And of course, there is a boy who drives me nuts. I hate him for how he makes me feel and I don't know where it is going, if anywhere, but I guess that's supposed to be the fun of it. I am blindly navigating my way through the pits of a crush that I have no real use for, and I am longingly waiting for a resolution to this drawn-out saga. On a more positive note, I love living in the dorms. I was wary of what it would be like to live on a floor of all females but it really is so much better than I thought. Every night is like a little slumber party and the late night gossip and giggles make the stress of college feel less of an overload. I'm surprised by the bonds I have developed. I enjoy my classes for the most part and I have been doing exceptionally well in all of them. Because of my major, I must do a lot of writing which is time consuming, but I am normally interested in the subject, so it is quite enjoyable. My favorite part of college, though, is picking out my outfit every day and giving fashion advice to my friends in my dorm. Also, doing my hair and makeup is so much fun. Everyone thinks I'm super girly because I basically play dress up in the morning, which is admittedly true. I am really looking forward to doing plenty of fashion posts when I have more time. Overall, I am extremely happy here. Actually, I am the happiest I have ever been. It is truly amazing how much I have grown and changed since I have been here, albeit only a month.

My roommate and I!

Did I Misread The Signs?

I always thought boys were supposed to be uncomplicated compared to their female counterparts, but it's not true at all. One minute we're giggling and having a great time and the next minute he barely even says hello. And then we have a deep conversation and a day later he doesn't even want to ask me how I am.We spend the whole day together and then he goes off without saying goodbye. And then the next day I have to wonder if  he'll even look me in the eye. He can at least try to be consistent. I have been treating him the same way. I'm not the problem, he is. And it's annoying for me because I get it in my head that it's going nowhere but then, there he goes again, and I have to change my mindset for the hundredth time in an hour. He makes it obvious that he likes me but then he (jokingly?) tries to set me up with another guy. I don't know what he wants. And then he tells me an adorable story or says something so nice and it makes me irritated, because I don't want to smile and giggle when I think of him. It's cutting into my academic life. It's making the rest of my life confusing. Why am I putting up with this? The funny things is that everyone else is enjoying this little roller coaster because of how hilariously ridiculous it is. I feel like such a stupid girl. I'm done. I'm not going to try anymore. I don't understand why we can't just be completely upfront with each other. I have been trying to figure him out for weeks now and I am completely stumped. The real kicker is that he isn't a jerk at all, he's extremely nice and caring, and I'm pretty sure he isn't doing these things on purpose. But then again, maybe he is playing games with me, in which case, I'll play the game and I'll win. The thing is, I don't even know what he's thinking. Maybe he is just being friendly and I have everything all wrong. Did I misread the signs?

A Tea Party In My Head

Sometimes I have a tea party in my head

The guests come when all is said

The guests come with invite in hand

Flowers on tables where butterflies land

Colorful pastries so everyone is well fed

This is what happens at a tea party in my head

We drink tea and eat crumpets

We eat scones and hear trumpets

My guests laugh and tell stories

of days when we were all in our glories

We pour tea from a kettle spout

Until we run out of things to talk about

Alas when the tea gets cold

The guests must leave as I am told

I forget sometimes of what I just led

For it was just a tea party in my head

How Quickly Things Change

How quickly things change
All was well when everything was in range
One little move or one little word
Can make you lose something you didn't deserve
How quickly things change and turn to muck
A good thing lasts until a bad rut
Its my fault and my guilt to hold
It is so much more than me being too bold
The loss I feel is just too much
When all I want back is that friendly touch
How quickly things change when all was smooth
But at some point it stops the flowing groove
I really do think it is somewhat strange
How quickly some things tend to change

College Bound Tomorrow

I start a new chapter of my life tomorrow. It is move-in day for freshmen at my university. This is going to be my first time living away from home. Am I freaking out a little? Yes. Am I going to tell anyone that tomorrow? Probably not. I realize that freaking out is not going to help anything, and this rational thinking does make me feel better but there is still that little layer of anxiety making a home for itself inside me, causing an aching in my chest. It is like I have one more day to live and today is that day. I already made quite a few friends at orientation, and I look forward to seeing them, but there will still be a lot of people I do not know. It is definitely going to be an adventure for me. Luckily, my brother is a year ahead of me and will be moving in on Saturday along with the rest of the student body so tomorrow will not be goodbye quite yet. Also, my university has a program to keep the freshmen busy so we will not have time to feel homesick. As of right now I feel like I am forgetting something, though I am sure I am over-packing. It kind of feels like I am not even leaving, like it has not hit me yet or something. Today I spent the day seeing The Mortal Instruments movie and getting fro yo and Taco Bell with Jordan, hanging out with my wonderful family in the evening, calling my amazing grandparents to tell them goodbye, doing last minute packing, and trying to give as many kisses to Ushi as possible. I do not feel like I can say that I am not ready for tomorrow because I have had more than enough time to prepare, and obviously going away to college is the next logical step in my life. But I can honestly say that I do feel ready even when the anxiety comes in waves.
I am going to try to continue working on this blog, but I do not know what a typical week for me will be like this school year until I actually experience it. But I will try to keep everyone updated as much as I can!
P.S. On Friday I am planning on having a post on what I wore on move-in day! 

Ushiroda

When I was in ninth grade I transferred schools in between semesters. I did not want to leave my original school. I liked it there and I fit in really well. So when I made it to my new school, I was not the happiest girl in the world, to say the least. In this new environment, I retreated back into my shell and had no intentions of coming out any time soon. As that horrid second semester came to an end, my great uncle told me, behind my parents' backs, that his Siamese cat was having kittens. He said I could have one if I convinced my parents to agree. And surprisingly enough they did. On a bright Sunday morning in April, I woke to the voices of my mom and great uncle talking. I sluggishly walked down the stairs to the living room with my big blanket in tow, not knowing that that day, April 25th, was the day when my kitten was born. I was so excited. We spent the next few weeks getting ready for the new arrival and we spent weeks trying to decide on the perfect name. We saw pictures of her and I knew she would be amazing in every way. During that miserable second semester I had a Spanish teacher named Señora Ushiroda who happened to be married to a Japanese man. She really watched over me during that time. Since my new kitten was a Siamese I thought it fit to name her an Asian name since the breed is Thai. So Ushiroda it was, Ushi for short. It grows on you after a while, I swear.
The day finally arrived when I got that tiny kitten and I fell in love with her so quickly. She was so small and she needed me to be there for her. Because she was so tiny she had to sleep in the bathroom where she wouldn't get lost. I stayed on the bathroom floor with her so she wouldn't cry. Bathroom floors do not make good beds. But she was worth it. My world changed because of that little cat. She has been a great stress reliever. Because of her, my new school wasn't so bad. I could always count on her to take my mind off things when I got home after school. She needed me and I needed her. I would never change anything about her. I wouldn't change the way she yells at the birds outside or the way she has to sniff everything her nose can find or the way she sneezes when a feather tickles her nose or the way she covers her face when she's asleep or the way she likes going under blankets because it makes her feel safe. I wouldn't change anything about her because I love her so much. Ushi means a lot to me so I decided to choose Ushiroda as the name of my blog. This year I graduated from high school and will be going off to college in the fall. Ushi helped me through my high school career and I know I will miss her a lot while I am away, but I think this blog will let me be with her in a special little way.

Pretty Smiles

I really don't like you very much. I thought I would but I just don't. It's kind of hard to talk to you. It's not that you're dull, but we just don't have any chemistry. I want to like you though, if that counts for anything. You're cute. I love your smile. Your smile makes my heart flutter a little. It feels like I have won a prize every time I make you smile. But a pretty smile only goes so far I guess. You inadvertently made me realize that there's someone that is much better for me. I would say that we could be friends but I don't know how much I would like you even then. I want more than pointless small talk and I don't think you can offer me much more than that. If you could just smile at me when we pass each other, that would be just fine by me. Its really not your fault that I don't like you. But, like I said, pretty smiles only go so far and boy do you have a pretty smile. Our priorities are just so different and I can't find any way to relate to you. When you say something, I don't know how to respond, and when I say something, you have nothing to say back. I notice when your face lights up when I smile. Maybe we can just smile pretty at each other but not talk, if you are okay with that. I think we could try taking a break from each other so we can come up with things to talk about. It could work maybe. Probably not. We'll probably just gradually get to a point where it will become awkward when we pass each other while going to class. I'm really not looking forward to that. But hey, at least you can win over someone else with that pretty smile of yours. And they'll be so very lucky to have your pretty smile.

Without A Question

If I start walking will you be behind me?
As you dance, and I walk, will you think of me?
Even though you will not follow, wont you wait for me?
If I keep walking, will you care if I reach the end of the world?
Will you forget about me as you dance your dance of oblivion?
You act as if you are innocent but you are not, are you?
While you wait for me, you will find another, wont you?
Will you feel remorse as you both dance while I am alone?
Will you feel my heart aching more than the soles of my feet ever could?
If I come back will you embrace me and welcome me home?
Will it be like it used to be, or will you no longer remember me?
Will you dance to a far away land as I fend for myself?
Will you know when I finally realize that I am no longer wanted?
Will you care that I will feel like I was stupid for being so hopeful?
If I try to find you, will you laugh gleefully as you dance farther away?
How will you feel if I am saved by one who is not you?
Will you come back when you finally remember me again?
Will you know that I will never again walk to you?
What will you do when I have already started forgetting you?
Will you remember our beginning as you try to forget our end?
Do you know you will feel like you are no more?
What will you say when you mournfully call for me?
Will you feel doubtful of my coming?
Do you know what I will do when I hear you calling?
I will run back to you, without a question.

While You Were Asleep

I am still awake. 2 am. I lay on the couch. I am too tired to sleep. I may even start to hallucinate (again). Images run back and forth past my face as I lay like a vegetable. The only movement is the occasional but slow blink of my eyes. I am not miserable because I am so beyond any emotion. I am too far gone. Will I ever feel better again? Will I always feel like this? 3 am. I feel sick. I should probably drink some water. I think I am drooling a little. I am too cold. I am too hot. I should take my contacts out. 4 am. How long will this last? 5 am. I do not want to be here. 6 am. The sun comes up. I guess I will not be sleeping at all tonight. The sunrise would be really beautiful if it did not make me feel so nauseous. I cannot do this. My vision is blurry. I do not think I am supposed to see those colors. 7 am. I want to eat. I do not have an appetite. There is a huge bug on the floor. I do not care. I need a shower. I wonder if this is what it feels like to be homeless. I could do something productive but why bother? Even if I wanted to I would not be able to. I really should not be operating a vehicle any time soon. I might even start getting paranoid about murderers lurking outside my window. Not that I would do anything about it because I am too tired. I would let myself get murdered if I did not have to do anything. I would want to go home but I am already home. It does not feel like home. I wish I was normal. I wish I was not so miserable. Am I happy with my life? I do not remember. I may be dreaming, though I am awake. I do not want to be awake. My heart is beating so fast and so slow at the same time. How long have I been in this position? I think I am going crazy. While you were asleep, I was slowly dying from sleep deprivation. In case you were wondering.

I Am An Explorer

I am an explorer walking through a Vietnam jungle, stepping over the roots and limboing under exotic tree branches and climbing up lusciously green hills and wading through swamps with lurking monsters. I am a plane soaring through bright blue skies and bursting through puffy white clouds as a cool breeze is nudging me to beautiful worlds and I have this feeling of absolute freedom. I am a mermaid swimming with beautiful sea creatures and brushing my long wet hair on a big rock while giggling with my mermaid sisters about luring in the handsome sailors that sail by from unknown lands. I am a child making a sweet and innocent wish as I blow out the candles on my birthday cake and I truly believe this wish will come true because I am wishing and hoping with my whole being. I am a common house cat prowling outside waiting in the bushes, low to the ground and my pupils dilated as I eye an unsuspecting mouse that I will soon call my snack. I am the president right before going out to make an important speech and, though I have been in office for some time now, my nervousness has not diminished and I wonder if it ever will. I am a monkey at the zoo swinging on ropes and yelling with happiness for I love putting on a show for the  visitors because the attention is for me, the star of the show. I am a famous artist working on my next masterpiece and I do not know where I am going with it but I have such passion for my artwork that I am happy and content and excited about what it will become.
I am me. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am a granddaughter. I am a best friend. I am an introvert. I am a bookworm. I am a driven student. I am a cat lover. I am a writer. I am an artist. I am a watch fanatic. I am a prep. I am an American. I am a Dutch-born Ohioan. I am a hard worker. I am a Roman Catholic. I am an INTJ. I am an English major. I am an all-girls school graduate. I am a hardheaded person. I am a PC user. I am a fashion blog follower. I am a Pinterester. I am a visual person. I am an organizer. I am a fan of Indie music. I am a theorist. I am a realist. I am a blogger. I am an ice princess. I am an individual. I am a chocoholic. I am a planner. I am a classy lady. I am a homebody. I am a terrible dancer. I am a coffee drinker. I am a wannabe Seattleite. I am a soon-to-be New Yorker. I am a lover of all that is Ralph Lauren. I am an intuitive person. I am an introspective thinker. I am a former softball player. I am a responsible young adult. I am a serious person. I am a lover of the color blue. I am a Nutella addict. I am a control freak. I am an Art minor. I am a fan of Prince Harry. I am a nail biter. I am a college freshman. I am a neologist. I am a good listener. I am a big deal. I am Maggie.

Writer's Block

The words flow freely from my head to the paper. I have no control. Whatever goes, goes because there really is no stopping it. I do not worry about any typos or even if it makes the least bit of sense. I just try to get everything in my mind down so as to not forget. I do not think. I just write. And before I know it, I have a piece of writing that I am more than happy with. I do not worry about the length because I know I have more than enough to write. I can always edit after my burst of writing energy. I am excited about my writing; about what I have to say. I have so many ideas to choose from and I am always eager to write about one of them. My writing just happens effortlessly. I so easily form the words. I so easily mold them into the sentences I desire. I have so much that I want to write and I have such passion for it.
But not today. My mind is blank. Silence. The normal wild chatter in my head is gone and silence is all that is spared. The free-flowing words are no more. Where have they gone so quickly? I did not even know they vanished until I was blindly searching for them. I stare at the ceiling. I stare at the wall. I stare into space. Nothing. Not even an idea or a feeling or anything else for that matter. How can that be? Again, I search my mind frantically. And, once again, I come up empty handed. I want to write and create beautiful artwork with my words but I am temporarily disabled. My mind is paralyzed and numb. I squeeze my eyes shut tightly, for I am on an exhibition to find inspiration. Nothing. I am totally and utterly helpless. My motivation is certainly there while my words are no where to be found. I do not know if I will ever be cured. This sensation is absolutely tragic, for I have writer's block.

Going on a Walk

My college career will begin this fall, and lately I have been thinking back to my high school experience and about what I want my college career to look like. I keep thinking about a really amazing English teacher I had during my junior year of high school. He made me realize that writing is not just what it seems on the surface.  He made me realize that writing is a special virtuosity that I can form in my head and put on paper. This particular English teacher happens to be my favorite teacher. He taught me more than the correct way to use commas or the art of the Shakespearean sonnet. This teacher taught me a lot of life lessons, as cliche as it sounds. One story that he told the class has really stuck with me and whenever I am stressing out about school and homework this story pops into my head. I do not know what spurred him to tell us this story but I am really glad he had.
One day, while he was studying, he heard a knock on the door of his college dorm. It was his friend asking my teacher to take a walk with him. Now, I imagine my teacher to be a lot like me; a student who studies way too much for their own good. So, of course, he declines the offer. And his friend looks at him and says that my teacher will never remember this night if he sits in his room and studies. What he will remember is the day he went on a walk with his friend. So he went. And to this day, he remembers that night very clearly. And he keeps that memory very close to his heart because his dear friend made a huge difference to him.  If my teacher had spent the night as he planned, it would have just blended in with the other nights he did just that. Another blurred memory in the slideshow of the boring and stressful aspects of college. As he was telling the class this story, he had the slightest of smiles on his face and we knew that he looked back at that night so fondly.
So when I have not looked up from my piles and piles of books because I have been obsessing over studying, I will go on a walk. And I will remember it. Because I am going to make memories. There is a time for studying and there is a time for fun and I will find that balance. I plan on saying yes to more things. I plan on making my happiness, and sanity, a top priority. There will be more than enough opportunities to study and there will be more than enough opportunities to spend night after night doing school-related tasks. But there is nothing like going on a walk.

An End Of A Journey

A journey is something that everyone continually goes through whether they realize it or not. A journey of mine ended recently with a dozen red roses. They were not given to me from a prince or a knight in shining armor, but a community of strong amazing women. Looking back, my journey had a lot of ups and more downs than I care to count. Tears were shed and smiles were exchanged. There were times I didn't feel  prepared, but in the end, I knew it was my time to go. I met so many extraordinary people along the way and I had the privilege of receiving an incomparable education from some of these people. At this point, I feel like I would have been missing out by taking any other route.
Being a part of the sisterhood is something that can never be taken away. It's priceless. Even though there were times when I didn't feel unified with my sisters, we were still going through everything together whether we liked it or not. From fiery nuns to false fire alarms my experience has been unforgettable. And in the end, I'm happy that it happened and I'm happy that I'm a piece of the community, the sisterhood. I am so grateful for my wonderful parents for giving me the opportunity, because this journey made me realize and discover who I am as a person. I grew so much during the past few years. I hope that someday I will have a daughter, so I can give her an education at an all-girls Catholic school.

Birdbrain: The Birds in My Head

There are these birds in my head and they fly around and around my brain. They're all different colors. They're incredibly colorful. Brilliant blues, greens, yellows, oranges, and so on, are the bright colors of their feathers. And they fly around to keep me from doing my work; they fly faster and faster so I can't get anything done. Sometimes, they fly outside of my head too. They go out my ears and fly around my head, but they never fly directly in front of my face. I can just see them out of the corner of my eye. Just enough for me to notice them. Just enough to make them hard to ignore. 
These birds aren't actually loud. In fact, they normally don't even make any sounds. But sometimes they can make white noise. Sometimes its like a buzzing. It could be because they're flying so fast. Other times I can see them out the corner of my eye and I can't hear them, but I know they're making sounds.
There really isn't much I can do to make the birds go away. Sometimes I drink water in hopes of drowning them, but that can backfire because, at times, they think I'm creating a makeshift birdbath in my head. Sometimes I lie down and hope they get sleepy. Sometimes I embrace the birds in hopes of them feeling suffocated enough to leave the nest. 
When the birds finally stop flying before they die of exhaustion, I become tired like I am one of my winged friends. When they stop, I can relax and let my brain rest.  Of course what do the birds do? They perch in my head, waiting for the next time they'll take flight.

Bunbury Music Festival

You were so close. Every time I thought about you, a rush of excitement would electrify my whole being. My soul, my soul was eagerly awaiting the moment we would meet. I, with an anxious demeanor, would approach you, you with your arms opened for me would lure me in, beckoning me to join the fun without speaking a word, but in our own way of communicating I would know.  Because fun is what I needed. I knew this. You knew this. Everyone knew this. Fun. Freedom. Independence. What I needed exactly.

It is an art. An expression. A culture of it’s own. Life. People. Atmosphere. This is what I want to experience. This is what I should be experiencing. This is what you were offering me. But slipping happens. You slipped right through my fingers. We really did not stand a chance. We were stupid, naive even, not to realize this until it was too late. We were far too late and you were far too out of reach. You are still far too out of reach.

Alas, all I can do is hope—imagine what could have been. What should have been. When I think of you, there is a pain in my chest, a hole in my heart where you belong. In a perfect world, we would be together, united with joy and drunk with happiness. I would look at you and know that this moment, this experience, could never be taken away.

My Snowball

Snowball is my stuffed animal cat from my grandmother that I have had since I was three years old. Her fur is white and lost its fluffiness years ago from going through the wash too many times. She has some patches where her hair is worn down and most of her stuffing has made its way down to the lower half of her body, giving her a pear shape. Her black glass eyes are blank yet endearing and have seen more than most toys her age. She has lived in Germany, Iowa, and Ohio and has seen the calm tulips of the Netherlands to the busy streets of Chicago. She’s been on a plane and through airport security more times than she can count but refuses to eat airplane food unless it’s sweet. She doesn't care for green beans but ate them anyways when I, as a little girl, didn't want to eat mine. She’s been to plenty of slumber parties and has had her fair share of trick or treating. She waited at the hospital when I got my tonsils removed in the first grade and she stays close to me, even when I’m sick. She has patiently listened to me yell and cry about things that are insignificant now. She has been there to wipe my eyes or to be used as a pillow. She tells me I’m smart when I struggle in math and she knows I’m a hard worker.  She reminds me too take a deep breath and take a break sometimes. She’s wise beyond her years and, although her expression never changes and she cannot speak, she has her own language that only I can understand.

Snowball and I have gone on many adventures through the years and there are still more to come. Although I am becoming more independent and Snowball does not come with me everywhere, she is always waiting for me on my bed when I get home to tell her about my latest journey. I have not grown out of Snowball and I don’t think I ever really will, but our relationship has evolved. We have both grown.  She’s still my sense of comfort and security but in a different way. I don’t need to bring her with me to the store and she stays at home on most days, but I still rely on her.  She’s still available for a hug at any time and she still goes on airplanes with me. She helps me with my new challenges in life and will be there sitting in my dorm room, waiting for me when I get back from my first day of college. Even now, she is always up for a new adventure and will silently guide me through my obstacles in life. Though we are both older, I know I will forever be that little girl who loves her stuffed animal cat, Snowball.

Valentine’s Adventure in Wonderland

ONCE UPON A TIME...

in a beautiful land far, far away, lay a town named Jelsa.  It was on an island surrounded by a magical sea where ships from foreign kingdoms soared across the waters bringing goods for trade.  In this town, lived a very special family called the Perisutti’s.  They were important because the father of this family was an artist named Marko Perisutti who helped establish Jelsa. The youngest of the Perisutti children was his son, Valentine.  Every morning, Valentine would swim in the enchanted aquatic with mermaids and fish of every color before he chimed the golden church bells, awakening the slumbering island creatures. He loved his paradise but when he was just sixteen years of age something terrible happened.

A war erupted amongst different lands, trying to take over the magical sea that was Jelsa’s for so long.  An evil ruler sent a wicked sea serpent to bring anarchy to the island.  The Perisutti’s knew it was not safe for young Valentine to stay in a place so treacherous.

The family remembered a story that was told to them by a mermaid who swam all over the world.  She had spoken of Wonderland, a utopia where anybody could flourish into everything they could desire. So it was decided that Valentine would go to Wonderland with his uncle to escape the monstrous state of his paradise.

That night, when the evil sea serpent was asleep, Valentine and his uncle got on one of the ships that would be traveling to Wonderland.  Before they left, Valentine said goodbye to his family, not knowing if he would see them again. The journey was long but they were filled with the thoughts of anticipation for the different places they would see.

As they approached their new home, Valentine saw the lights and excitement of Wonderland.  He and his uncle tiredly walked off the ship as an elf asked them questions in a tongue they could not understand.  Fortunately, another elf could speak their language and, after many questions and exams, they were on their way to a fresh start.

Valentine spent some time with his uncle, learning the language and culture of Wonderland, until he moved when he acquired a job.  He was a servant boy for an elegant castle where he met important beings of Wonderland.  He met kings and queens, princes and princesses, emperors and sultans, sorcerers and angels.  But the most important person he met was a beautiful maid-in-waiting named Clara.  Valentine and Clara fell in love and married.  And...

THEY LIVED HAPPILY EVER AFTER

THE END.