i am a mcnugget

i woke up
today
& i realized
i am
a chicken nugget

immobile
overly-processed
unfeeling
pink
fried
toxic
& dry

nobody wants to
be with a
mcnugget

i dont even know
what i am
made of

i was never
once a chicken

guilt

pebble by pebble
filling my chest
one by one

guilt

stretching my
skin until
it eventually
rips from
the pressure

shredded and
pulpy edges
dried blood
coating my
once clean
and pure
conscience 

You're The Ocean

I want the ocean
again
The abundance of water filled
my hollowed heart but dripped through
the cracks every time
It is hard not to love the ocean
though it left me gasping
after it tried to consume me
and drown me in itself
I sputtered on the ocean's salt
and was left with crimson eyes
when I prematurely opened them
I grew tired of trying to keep up
with the restless waves
and I left without a towel
to cover my bruises
and shuddering shoulders

MPDG

I am not an answer
or a question for you
to solve
at your own pace

Do not mistake me
as the muse
you needed as
inspiration for life

I was not put on
this earth
to teach you lessons

My purpose is not
to guide you through
existential struggles

I know I am not
a mermaid
meant to entertain you
when you need it the most

I am not here to
complete you instead of
finding ways to
complete myself

I find myself trapped
in the idealized
version of myself
you created

I am not a metaphor
I am not a promise
I am not a puzzle
I am not a stock character

civil discourse

you want me
to engage you
in civil discourse

but i do not owe
you anything

i used to
feel sad
when i would
engage

so i stopped.

always

i've been here 

before

a few times

i miss 

your laugh 

your smile

so here 

i am

we're dying

so here

i am

never ready

for you

you said

always

the hardest part about missing you

the hardest part about missing you
is the happiness i constantly
felt in my heart
swelling and full
and light at the same time

the hardest part about missing you
is feeling like i was set
like i was where i was
supposed to be
like i could relax

the hardest part about missing you
is the warmth you brought
to my cheeks
when you said the right thing
at the right time

the hardest part about missing you
is knowing how good it was
for that one moment
and thinking about what
could have been now

the hardest part about missing you
is thinking about how i was the one
who put my foot down
and thinking i am the one
to blame for my own emptiness

the hardest part about missing you
is feeling silly that i still love you
even after all this time
and even though this has happened
so many times before

full grown

alone alone alone
we are without
each other

i cant stop looking
at my phone
to see if you are
okay

i should have
known that
we would
not survive

maybe i will
be better when
i am full grown

I Look For You In Everyone

I like to think

that I'm okay

and you don't 

exist in my 

head

But then I 

hear something

funny and all

I want is to

tell you what 

was said

I look for you

in everyone

even though

we are done

I search the faces

and thoughts

of the people

that pass me by

But I know

I'll never find 

you because we

already had 

plenty of goodbyes

dirty dishes

i put your dirty dishes in a box
next to the sink

they piled so high

so many so dirty
so foul-smelling

driving, dazed

sometimes when i am
driving, dazed
in my own presence
i think of you
leading me to cringe
i am sorry
for beginning it
like that

not good

always thinking
about
you
when i know
its not
good for
me
you
are always
on my
mind

a voyage

a voyage
to find you

stormy seas

ships wrecked

sharks
in the water

you left me

stranded

how did i get here

how did i
get here

empty

unhappy

overwhelmed

without him

again

texts that whirl around my brain

I honestly
haven't met
too many
girls like you

You're a
unique and
pretty
soul/person

I like you
a lot
though
that's
the truth
and was
always true

i always have

you must know
that i love you
very very much

i always have

and i've always
wanted you

but sometimes
soulmates
are not meant
to be together

my head has been telling me

i know
what my
head has been
telling me

for i have
already made up
my mind

i know
what my
heart has been
feeling

for you have
always been
the reason
why i cry

hoping you are happy

and still
i am without
you

thinking about
you
constantly

wondering if
you
are okay

hoping
you
are happy

because
i am
certainly not

a mundane last page

imaging my life
without you
leaves my heart
drowning in
the emptiness
of nothing

is this actually
the end

a mundane last page
to the extraordinary
novel of us
which was constantly
filled with
cliffhangers written
by you

lost each other

we lost each other
again today.
and i am hurting.
just as i did
those times before.
i wish we
could be where
we always wanted
to be.
i wish we had a
chance at the love
we deserved.

lovesick

feeling sick
to my stomach

so hollow but
so heavy
at once

weighing me
down
down

making me
sweat from
exhaustion

carrying all
the love we
shared from
these past years

right at
my navel
where my
heart now
sits

A Drunk Thought

I love you
without
knowing how

Without
knowing
the risk

That I take
when my
tender intestines
are exposed

And vulnerable
to the deathly grip
you take
every time
you say
my name 

far far away

It's hard
when
you are
far
far
away

And I
don't have
your hand
to hold

Or your
heartbeat
to feel

But you
are worth
the slight
empty feeling

And the
slightly lonely
atmosphere

Because it is
better than
not having
you at all

i always thought

i always
thought we
would someday
tell them
about us

and we'd
smile about
how young
and silly
we were

how being
away from
each other
for all that
time was
killing us
both

but it worked
out in the
end
and we are
where we
are supposed
to be

at least that's
what i always
thought

time

we have
all the time
in the world

take as much
time as you
need

and i
will take
as much
time as i
need

so when
it's time
we won't
need to
take any
time

still

i hate
that you
still
have a hold
on me

silence that
still
ruins my
days

texts that
still
make me
feel like
everything is
perfect

memories that
still
make my
eyes water

knowing
that you
still
can hurt me

after all
this time

tired

i’m tired of 

that feeling in

my chest

tight & unmoving

not living

today

because 

i am

tired

how can i

how can i
be the poet
that i always
thought i
would be

when you
are not doing
anything to
hurt me

how do i
rediscover
my poetic
nature when
you set my
worries free

this feels right

this feels right

i feel happy

and relieved

and where 

i am

supposed to be

with you

it's finally

what it's

always meant

to be

Difficult Things

i know

i need

to talk to 

you about

Difficult Things

it will hurt

physically

to get these

Difficult Things

out with

only the 

words 

we know

i dont know

where to start

when it is

time to

talk about

Difficult Things

blink 182 can suck it

ive been here
before
a few times...
because of
you

youll take
me back?

how about
you see if
ill take
YOU
back?

youre trying?

how can i
give you
any kind
of response
when all
youre
giving me
is indirect
messages?

let me be
miserable
without you

disposable

you will
never
have the
motivation
to be with
me and
stay with
me

you will
leave
when i am
not okay

you will
leave
when we
feel
impossible

i cant be
disposable
to you
anymore

i forgot

i forgot that i
wasnt the
only
one who
got hurt

remembering
how terribly
i treated
you
makes me
speechless

knowing you
would consider
giving me
another
chance

and i dont know

and here i am
again

a little voice
in the back
of my head

asking me
"what are
you doing?"

and i dont
know

because
im numb and
confused

dragging everyone-
especially him-
through the
mud

fix

i keep trying
to find ways
to fix myself

to right the
wrongs that
i always have

but i dont know
if i can call
myself broken

if i have been
like this the
whole time

am i damaged

over here

would it be

selfish

of me

to ask you

to come back

to the

east coast?

i know

you must like

it there

in san diego

but i am

all the way

over here

and when i

think of you

being so

far away

my breath

catches in

my throat

and i

wonder if

ill ever 

get you 

back

Craigslist: Missed Connections

w4m "I Miss You" (Chicago)

When we first met
I knew you were
the man
I was going to
marry....
You were & are
everything that I
asked the Lord
to bless me with.
When you entered
my life I wasn't
ready for you,
I got scared,
panicked and
disappeared.
I really wish
we could
start over
and be to
each other what
we were meant
to be.
My mind is open
and my heart is receptive
and you are
all I need.
Maybe we've gotten
to a point of
no return,
or maybe not...
I think we owe it
to ourselves to
get serious
and stop this
back & forth
madness and be
happy....
you know you
want to ;)
I miss you,
I need you
and I want you ....

relieved

i feel relieved
for the second time
in seven months

the first time
was when i
said goodbye

the second time
is now
when i
never
came back

at hello

you lost
me
at hello

you loved
me
at goodbye

i loved
you
this whole
time

but
i lost
you

when i
thought
you were
mine

Pointed

You think

my nails

are sharpened

claws

pointed

my teeth 

are bleached

but slicked

with poison

pointed

You think

my eyes

could kill 

you with 

one look

pointed

whats the point

whats the
point
of doing
the same
again and
again

when the
outcome
becomes
harsher and
harsher

fool me
once
shame on
you

fool me
twice
shame on
me

Hands have teeth

He talks to me,

a Neanderthal.

He thinks

my hands have teeth.

He can smell my fear,

I can taste his fear,

what is fear?

We stand outside

the bar,

goosebumps.

Stray cats

seen at dusk,

like him and I.

Looking for 
some kibble,

like the rest of us.

We are antsy.

It is sour.

He minimizes

himself,

digs around

my brain.

I cringe at

each sentence.

The stretch

of his words.

He has time.

The culture was

never ours to

make better.

I smell

the sourness

of his fear

and I know.

Waiting

"I'm going to
wait for you
but I can't
wait forever"

But
what if I am
not worth
waiting for?

But
what if I do
not want you
to wait
for me?

But
what if you
are wasting
your time by
waiting
for me?

Suffocating

i felt like 

there was

a plastic bag 

over my 

head

when i thought 

about

committing 

to you

do i have 

a fear

of commitment

or 

a fear

of you

KUMMERSPECK

KUMMERSPECK:

to fill the emptiness
in my heart
to fill the emptiness
of my soul
to avoid that emptiness
in my stomach

when i left you
i thought i would feel
nourished if i
ate your weight
in grief bacon
but it was just
greasy
and unsatisfying
like you

thoughts while walking home

sensory things

thrifted jeans

white wisps of denim

catching on

the concrete

catching on

to what

humor told me

it’s not

funny

laughing is a

personal activity

i am not

a sensory

being

what is this

what is this

if now 

im feeling

infatuated

with you

what was that

if then

i felt 

afraid and wrong

with you

i cried

i cried for other girls

who had morals like mine

and felt wrong for saying no

i cried for my generation

and the dignity pushed away

from those who were used

i cried for the guy

who wasnt taught respect

and didnt care

glad we are through

you had this idea of who i was
and it wasnt true wasnt me cause
all you really wanted to know
was what you could get below
my waist it was all about the chase
when did love become a race
1st person who saw me as an object
exposing me to a new subject
of how strong morals are wrong
like im supposed to play along
you think my body is for you
to enjoy thats why we are through
youre shocked youre distraught
you need comforting can you not
im shocked that i even cried
time for you to move aside
id be lying if i said its been fun
cause im on to the next one
who will treat me right
and respect me at night
like im a precious pearl
and im sorry for the next girl
who has to meet you
im glad we are through

all about you

it was always all about you
the focus was you
and never me
you talked over me
you interrupted me
didnt respond to my thoughts
you never commented on my mind
just how you thought i was sexy
you didnt know me
and you didnt try to
and it hurts knowing i let you
walk over my words with your own
and it hurts knowing i let you
not care to learn the real me

i decided not to sleep with you

i decided not to sleep with you
because i dont owe you anything
i am more than my body
i am a mind
i am a soul

i decided not to sleep with you
because i clung to my dignity
i felt it fading when i was with you
i was not a human being
to you

i decided not to sleep with you
because you dont know me
you didnt care to get to know me
you didnt want to hear my mind
i didnt matter

i decided not to sleep with you
because i love myself
and i dont love you