Swallowing

 I’m certain I won’t survive it

Swallowing me whole

In an endless pit 

Stuck and lost and thrashing

Nowhere to go

Shaking and trembling 

Make my breath slow

Hot and suffocating 

I’m unreachable now

I wonder where does it end

When and how

It’s far from here 

I belong by the sea

  

Perhaps I belong by the sea.

Is that where I will feel most like me?

Writing poetry and prose by the cliffs,

Cherishing my Irish heritage gifts.

Wearing a warm rough wool sweater,

And drinking tea that’s so much better.

Breathing in the bites of windy air,

In my grandmother’s ancestral County Clare.

Perhaps I belong by the sea.

Is that where I will feel most like me?

Taking a refreshing dip in the clear blue,

Taking in the prehistoric mountain views.

Smelling lavender mixed in the clean air,

Living the island life without a care.

It feels so close that once was far,

In my grandfather’s ancestral Hvar.

Lunch with Myself

 I met myself 10 years younger for lunch today 

We both stepped out of little white cars 

She had on those urban outfitters bdg skinny jeans and I wore my mom jeans from target

We both had water with no ice, just like Grandpa

We notice each other’s eyebrows but choose not to comment.

“Do you still think about that boy?” 

“Sometimes.”

We split a cheeseburger.

She said she worries she’s not good enough. Not smart enough. Not together enough. I tell her about my successful career, my beautiful village, how I get to go on trips multiple times a year. I think I’m smarter and more together than most at this point.

We talk about Ushi. She says Ushi will be turning 5 this year. I say that she’ll be turning 15 this year. We agree she is just a baby.

She mentions visiting Grandma & Grandpa while she’s home from college. I tell her about how I have a gallery wall just like the one in their kitchen that consists of my own travel treasures and a few favorites from Grandma & Grandpa’s travels.

We hold each other’s hands across the table. “I’m okay. Everything is okay.”

She pulls out her iPhone 5 and I pull out my iPhone 15 to check the time. We really should be going.

at an art museum

 Deformed baby

Or maybe a comfy baby

It has a small head 

Cows, cows, and more cows

I think I feel nice with you 

And at ease

But I can’t process that right now

What is a loot?

It’s a loot 

Do you like to drive

No

One day I’ll have a white house

On like 50 acres

Maybe a moat

Maybe one cow

Maybe with you

Thanks for saying

I’m pretty enough to start a cult 

You’re cute

Or whatever 

I guess

I drive straight to Walmart after

Not in Youngstown

I look at cards a 2 year old

Cant read yet 

I crouch in the aisle

Overwhelmed 

Maybe overthinking 

Definitely over feeling 

I’m the same as I’ve always been

I have the same thoughts

As when I was younger 

And more naive

It feels good to feel like

I haven’t changed all that much

But maybe it shouldn’t 

But I like feeling like me

Feeling like me feels like being alive

And human

And a little wild

Like when I was in college

Before everything 

I like that youre gentle

And mindful

And intentional

You feel steady

But not in a dead way

Or an unmoving way

More like a healed way

And a nice way

A genuine way

I don’t feel stuck with you

It feels right 

Even when you text me

Red rose after red rose after red rose

And throw in a few more red roses

Thanks for doing art things 

With me 

Haunt him

Taste my venom

As I bathe in the blood of man

I gave him denim

And he threw me away as fast as he can

Taste my tears

As I’m covered in my own sweat

I gave up my youthful years 

And I realize my regret

Taste my threat

I know I’ll haunt him

As I try my best to forget 

The life I never really wanted

Server’s Hands

I hold you in my hand and

Place you in my heart

You’ve always stayed there

If only I had been smart

And less naive 

And fucking grateful

My heart has teeth 

My feet are shredded 

My brain needs a lobotomy 

Or is it better to be beheaded

Like Katherine Howard

You’re not alone, Poor Thing

Women can’t be empowered 

In 2024? Don’t be silly

Be quiet and a doormat

For your mother, really

You don’t matter

Keep the peace 

Serve her little men with platters

Better not complain 

Wipe their asses

You’re ridiculous for feeling pain

How awful it is to be a man

How awful to be held accountable

Where are we? Begin, began

I look down at my hands

Creased and worn and old

No one understands 

After all these years 

All I have are empty server’s hands

Grieving me

You say you are grieving the woman you once knew

The one before the trauma, the one before the hurt

You think I am different, evil, punishing for having boundaries 

Boundaries that you don’t care about so there must be something wrong with me

You say you are grieving the woman you once knew

But instead of fighting for me, you continue to hold these men up on golden pedestals

You say you are grieving the woman you once knew

But is that true? From over here it is obvious 

You are grieving the ability to take advantage of me, walk all over me, force codependence upon me

You say you are grieving me to hurt me, to draw blood, to make me feel like a shell of trauma

Scary Men

Punching holes in the wall

Breaking the glass of our coffee table

Kicking my childhood cat

Speeding down the driveway with children in the car

Refusing to buy their women flowers out of spite

Angry messages on Facebook saying I’ll regret turning them down 

Telling me they don’t think of me as a human being with feelings

Pretending like they’re going to hit me during arguments

Laughing that victims don’t have enough evidence for justice

Supporting and excusing other men with histories

Believing that consent isn’t important during sex

Feeling more passionate about being against feminists supporting women than Andrew Tate’s ideologies.

A love letter to women

To the women that listen to my fears

Who give me comfort through my tears

And tell me you don’t need to worry about that right now

Who say together we’ll handle my what’s and how’s 

To the women who want to protect me

And keep me safe from things I may not see

Who cherish and preserve the sisterhood

And search the world for every wisp of good

To the women who aren’t afraid to be nasty or mean

So they can fight the men who are scary or obscene 

To the women who are told they’re a little too much

But still know the value of Lilith’s touch 

To the women who believe the girls

Who only wanted a life of kitties and pearls

But were forced into a world of bruises and assault

Only the women know it’s not their fault

To the women who won’t back down

And hold us up so we won’t drown 

To the women who give me hope

And teach me ways to survive and cope

To the women building a better world that’s new 

To these women, I see you.

It is not by job

It is not my job to be pretty

It is not my job to educate him

It is not my job to manage his mental health 

It is not my job to be his secretary 

It is not my job to have bullshit values to not offend him

It is not my job to mother and excuse grown men

It is not my job to be the keeper of his emotional failures

It is not my job to take care of him

It is not my job to be empathetic towards assholes

It is not my job to love men who resent women

It is not my job to support predators 

It is not my job to make him look better

It is not my job to be soft or more palatable 

It is not my job to be on the defensive in the world

It is not my job to make sure he can behave appropriately

It is not my job to be small and skinny

It is not my job to take on his labor that he doesn’t value

And yet, I am the one that’s in the wrong? 

I am the one who is bitter for correcting and setting boundaries?

Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow

If things get better 

And I can finally breathe again  

If things won’t feel so heavy 

And won’t crush down breaking the bones protecting my heart 

If things settle down 

And I don’t feel angry for things done to me 

If things are learned 

And I don’t have to be afraid of a world that hurts women like me 

If it’s not going to happen today; it’s tomorrow  

And tomorrow  

And tomorrow

Shirley & Walter

A missed movie because the line was too long 

Turned into a love where they both belong 

A toe twist at a picnic while getting to know the other 

But not knowing together they’d someday be a father and mother 

He was from across the river…and she certainly was not 

But that didn’t stop them from giving it a shot 

Who knew a casual proposal with a simple wedding band

Could turn into a love so beautiful and grand? 

They started a life together with values and love 

They created something we all are so proud of 

The cake for breakfast may have been taken too far 

And the patio chairs in the living room were a little bizarre 

But they excelled at making family memories of backyard fun 

And yelling during every game for a big home run 

They taught their children hard work goes a long way 

That still lives within each of them to this day 

Then they became world travelers and loved every place 

They welcomed every culture with a big embrace 

Their children had children and life grew more 

The blue house was a sanctuary from the roof to the floor 

Now their memories live with us even though they are gone 

It’s an end of an era but their legacy will always live on

Valentine’s Day

The first Valentine’s Day

Where I feel more than okay.

Feeling like I’m on cloud nine

Knowing that you’re mine

With our hearts intertwined.

I love you in every way

And that’s how it will always stay.

I waited for you

I waited for you.

Just for you.

Before giving my heart away.

I wish I could say I patiently waited for you

But that would be a lie.

Nonetheless,

You were worth the tears leading up to you.

You were worth the heartache of wondering where you were.

You were worth the wishing I could just find you.

You were worth the pain of missing you before we even met.

I was waiting for you this whole time.

And you were worth the wait.

Lavender Roses on a Thursday

Lavender roses on a Thursday 

You left gently at my door

Just so I could have a bouquet

While you’re gone for a weekend 

To visit your family

I see the purple flowers

And I see your intention and dedication 

I see you listening to me 

And loving me in every soft petal

And in every thoughtful act

You left me feeling cherished and heard

When you left me lavender roses on a Thursday 

Love and love and love

Appreciating you

More and more each day

Finally being treated

With love and love and love

You think of me and my feelings

You don’t make everything about you

You care about my well-being 

You go far, far, far above 

The minimum I’ve been used to

Relieved

Holding your hand

So tight

Relieved to see you 

To see you’re okay

To know you’re taken care of

Knowing nothing else matters 

Appreciating us together

I’ll let you know

I’ll let out know

When I’m back on steady ground

When my head isn’t in the clouds

And my heart isn’t soaring around

And I no longer feel like singing aloud

Because you make me feel like I’m not real

You make me feel dizzy and giddy

And like I’m allowed to feel

So I’ll let you know

When I’m back on steady ground

But I think I’ll keep floating 

As long as you’re around

Pain into Poetry

Turning pain into poetry

Trying to find beauty in trauma 

Finding peace in anger

For justice will never be served

Abuse will continue 

Understand that it is what it is 

Accept that it is a part of being a woman

Autumn

We’ve had summer

And we’ve had winter and spring

I can’t wait to see what fall will bring

The colors changing

The trees unleaving 

It makes me start believing 

In the real things